March 6, 2013

• I am tragically imperfect, for I know of myself that I cannot. “Walk on Water,” change the world to a peaceful kingdom, and I cannot end the sorrows for the lost.  I will never paint like Michael Angelo, and first graders can draw stick figures better than me.  I have probably spent more time with psychiatrist than the number of years you have lived, fodor I could not prevent horrible things happening to me nor within my family.  I was fully unequipped to enter an adult world at 17, but I had no choice.  I graduated college with only a 3.45 so I did not get full honors or come in first in my class.

  I love sweets, and I eat them knowing that they will shorten my life, and I can say that it is good for grandchildren to have a lot of me to hug, but I know better.  I saw Oral Roberts when I was a little girl, and I laid my hands on my own head, and I tried to believe that if I was good enough, and never did anything wrong, then I could heal my brother who was born with facial deformities, and most 4 year olds have more social skills than James, but I layed my hands on him too, for I thought that I might have the power of Oral Roberts, and that I could make James in to a new creation.  I mourn his death, and he has not died yet, for he had the worst abuse a child could ever live through.

  I want all wars to end, and I keep thinking that if I could sit all leaders of all nations down and just talk, that I could show them that war has been a reality since recorded time, but the time for it to do good is now over, and I want to stop these kids from coming home with PTSD which I have suffered from almost my first memory.  I am an egotist, for I feel that people could learn from my book which I wrote that America uses its people but in a more subtle way.  I have zero control over the fact that money, oil, the untouchable out of site rich own all of us in one way or the other, and I have not been able to convince billionaires that they are sinning against the world even if God was not a reality.  No person or persons should be billionaires, for people should be better than to accumulate that kind of wealth when there is famine and illness anywhere.

  I cannot clothe but a few of the naked, and I can no longer see a world where scripture is taken in any serious manner, and I find myself doubting God, and I have to remember the times when I was rescued by some powerful goodness that was more than happenstance.  I refuse to denounce God, and in not being able to determine that he is not, then I must believe in scripture, and I certainly have a whole list of sins on my plate.  I would like to preach sometimes, but it is what I believe, and I do not know the right words to help everyone be just a little better.

  I fear never knowing fame, even though I have been told a million times that I am a gifted author.  I confess that I long for my book to become known, for a part of me wants those who made my people of southern Appalachia out to be the country’s trash to have to eat their words and to choke on them.

  This is my first confession in some time, so I hope a Priest reads it and grants me absolution, and some of you think confession is wrong, for you say you do not need a Priest to forgive you.  They do not forgive you; Rather, if they are good priests they will help you to know how much you need to pray, and they will ask you to sin no more, and you tell them, usually, I will not, “In The Name Of The Father And The Son, And The Holy Spirit.”  They cost a lot less than psychiatrist; Infact it is a freebie if you need confession, plus they are sworn to secrecy, a bond they have with the Church and with God which cannot be broken.  Absolving you of your sins is a way of saying to get your butt out there, and pray to God, and as far as Priest go; they are sinners too, and they get the picture.

  I have worked harder on getting my book out than I have at making food or anything for my family, so I am selfish, and I am not expecting any of you to get up and cheer that I have opted to spend my last years putting books together when everyone and their dog is publishing a book these days.  Some are really rather good, like mine, but it is hard to find people who even care about anything of American History, and I absolve you from having to care too much about me or what I think.  I want you to choose my book from the other million.

  I have too many sins to list, but if any of you want to hash out some of yours; Go for it, but you know where to go to get them off your chest, Protestant, Catholic, Muslim or Jew; Get down on your knees and pray, and if you are a non believer, then you should at least read Ms. Manners so that you will not be a total arrogant pig who states that we believers are a bunch of nuts – For we all have days of doubt and pain, but we do not need your arrogance added to all of it, for if you are wrong, then there is the distinct possibility that you may be sent back as a dung beetle.  I repent; Amen

  Barbara Everett Heintz, Author of, “Pinkhoneysuckle,” on Amazon, Kindle, Create Space, and a Xanga Blogger 

   

   

   

  • 6:24 am
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